Spring Time Please

I’m writing this from my back porch on a beautiful day. The boys are playing in front of me. One has a pair of bolt cutters and is snipping away at an old garden fence that needs to go. The other is running around in circles seeing how fast he can run. The sky is beautiful, and the sun is finally setting. It’s a bit chilly in the air but nothing compared to the cold weather we’ve had over the last few months. It’s not been an easy year for me in all respects. On one hand my boys are healthy, I enjoy what I do, my wife is happy, our finances are good. But between the pandemic and the isolation and then losing my mom I just feel like it’s time for something to change. I’m not sure what that would be, but I think it’s going to be something personal.

For one, I probably need to learn how to relax again. I’m trying pretty hard. The problem is I don’t have much time to myself. The days are really long. The weekends are me trying to spend time the best way I can with my loved ones and get caught up on tasks. Maybe I need a little time to get away and think. I still don’t know if the gravity of my mom’s passing has sunk in. It feels temporary, like if I think about it enough and what went wrong and what could go right that I can turn the clock around. Time isn’t that friendly though.

A piece of me wants to restart a hobby. I used to fly fish a lot. I mean A LOT. I also used to hunt and shoot and do a lot of outdoor activities. I rarely do any of those anymore. I want to re-spark my interest in them. I’ve renewed some subscriptions to old favorite fly fishing magazines, got my fly tying stuff in order, and started thinking about hiring a fly fishing guide for when we’re in Florida coming up. I know not doing the things you enjoy is a bad sign, so I want to make sure I’m making time to do them. I am getting plenty of video games and comic book reading in, so there’s an escape there that let’s me take my minds off things a little while.

Beyond these types of mental escapes I’ve also worked up a pretty intense fitness routine. Between my Apple Fitness yoga, HIIT, and strength workouts and my Zwift cycling and Silverlake swimming, I’m feeling a noticeable change in my how I deal with stress. Sometimes things can get overwhelming for me, and anxiety can set it in, but exercise seems to diminish the physical effects of it at least. It does seem like there are two ways to blow of steam. One is through intense physical activity. This is typically the one I choose. The other is by slowing down and doing things like meditation and yoga. I am too impatient for those, although I will admit yoga makes your body feel good.

It’s kind of hard to realize this is the year of “firsts” without my mom. Easter will pass, then Ted’s birthday, and then Ben’s and then summertime. Each will probably be hard but I know they will get better.